I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
The worst part of it is that he's not the first man I've fucked with 2+ chihuahua's.
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
12 trash cans filled with water. Beer cans floating in each, 12 ft apart. Dodgeball. Ultimate beer pong.
Rules. We have to wear superhero outfits
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
Randomize
