Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
Randomize
