I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
how do flat chested girls get laid?
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
This hot topless Jamaican just ran down the st with me on his back and He was screaming "I be stealing yo white ladies."
I don't know if i should be jealous or worried... or question where you are.
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
Randomize
