weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
officially hit rock bottom.. been yelling through the vent in my room to my little brother trying to convince him to get me water for the past two hours. i fear feeling the full effect of my hangover if i stand.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
We need to get me chipped asap
Randomize