I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
Saturday at 4 is jello wrestling sponsored by the senior class council. That's why my school is awesome. Boom.
I think we got naked. I can't remember but if you have "friends" written on your ass, then we did. Because I have "best" on mine.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
Randomize
