i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
Randomize
