that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
Randomize
