wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
The way you explained my vagina was exactly the way I would of described my breakfast burrito.
the dr. explained that the first big patch is called a herald patch since it's biggest. So his name is Harold the Patch.
Wow. You named your rash.
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
Randomize
