Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
I REALLY appreciate you guys taking care of me when im wasted but i think its weird when i wake up in different clothes than black out in
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
he asked if i wanted their team name to be " Amandas angels" or " Fuk budies" either way an intermural softball team of all my hook ups from spring semester is just depressing. convenient but depressing
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
Well I sent him a pic of my vagina and sent back a pic of his puppy....so there's that
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
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