I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
according to the video, you won you first drunken karaoke contest based off of your actual singing abilities and not because you took your shirt! I've never been prouder :)
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
Randomize
