woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
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