Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
he actually managed to pick a girl up by telling her that her skirt was ugly and she didnt do a good job with her makeup. thats some seriously low selfesteem
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
Randomize
