So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
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