Do you know that poor pathetic girl that we should be friends with
I'm really into asian looking animals
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
Post a pic on facebook and see if those same 46 girls find shitting in the bed handsome and adorable
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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