This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
Let's create a 16 and pregnant drinking game
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
Randomize
