Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
Randomize
