There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
Randomize
