I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
So what other shows do you masturbate to? Or is it just friends
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
Randomize
