Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
Man, jail baloney is awful.
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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