im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
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