Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
Randomize
