I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
My class coordinator for bio told us that the only thing we should do the night before an exam is to get laid. And then party down after the exam. I like him.
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
Randomize
