I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
My underwear smells like fireworks.
Im in Brooklyn, he wasnt 23 or a musician pick me up
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
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