some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
he kept saying that we were in ian's fun time place and then continued to act like a dinosaur.
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
I don't know..He walked out of your room with a kraft single..and blood on his shirt...He really wanted cheese.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
