i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
We're like a dynamic duo.
Bisexual and Proud, Lesbian and Loud.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
Stupid Covid-19
The universal cock block of this decade
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