So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
Randomize
