i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
A good drinking club with a running problem, improves endurance in both I have observed this evening.
2 for 1 beer results in multiples of 2 so what should be a beer or two becomes 4 or 6. But running, alleviates the need for a DD.
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
