just got my goo swallowed for the first time. colors seem so much more vivid now, and more rainbows are outside
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
He threw up the X he took like 30min before then when we thought his antics were over... BOOM! He tried to pee out a light he was holding.
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
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