I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize