I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
I feel I need to conquer him. He's six ft eight and 265lbs. Its like the mount Everest of sex.
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize
