Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
officially hit rock bottom.. been yelling through the vent in my room to my little brother trying to convince him to get me water for the past two hours. i fear feeling the full effect of my hangover if i stand.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
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