lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
It's whatever. I just want to see his dick again
Much like Dre, I was forgotten about.
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
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