allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
Randomize
