So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
I like literally had a visual image of his penis going into your soul
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
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