Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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