Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
I had to join a gym to keep up with this 22 yr old
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
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