I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
Randomize
