a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize
