After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
Cleveland boys shit in their own pumpkins in their own living room. Got pictures to prove it.
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
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