omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
other girls like to lick balls but none of them live for it like u do
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
Randomize
