Kiss
Puke
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
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