I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
Where are you guys?
Drunk
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