im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
Drunk in some girls audi what the fuck is happenin i love sb
it's ELEVEN
thirty
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
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