dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
Last thing I remember is Dusty riding the bikes we "borrowed" from the hotel through the CVS while the rest of us picked up the girls who were laughing at him
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
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