i already hear my dad disowning me
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
i don't know what body building stuff he's on, but his cum is basically a 5 hour energy shot.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
Randomize