I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
You are a lesbian wizard with red hair. You are willow
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
Randomize
