When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
as she was beating the hell out of his ex, she screamed prison rules, and smashed her head with a beer bottle. I'm oddly afraid yet so attracted to her now.
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Randomize
