He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
you're just mad because in the hogwarts world I'm Harry and you're Ron. get over it.
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
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