My t9 writes chubies instead of bitches.
either way. win, win.
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
Randomize
