Ok I love you more. To infumty and beyong.
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
Cheyanne in woods. Ducks attacked. My toe is bleeding. We are gpsing our way home on foot. No worries
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
Randomize
