it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
Randomize
