im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
i think my tv is drunk
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
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