I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
Randomize
