How fat would you say she has to be before I can consider this a threesome
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
well apperantly i passed out on the stairs shouting "victory".
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
Randomize
