How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
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