Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
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