I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
Sign out of Gchat. Right now my gchat list is entirely girls I've slept with.. and you. You are fucking up my gchat chi.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
Reverse road head. Sa-witch!!!
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
