Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
My meds have diminished my sex drive, this must be what regular women feel like
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
So here I am, sexting at work.
Randomize
